Suicidal ideation.

The words are new to me, but the concept I'm quite familiar with. Wikipedia defines it as such:

"...a common medical term for thoughts about suicide, which may be as detailed as a formulated plan, without the suicidal act itself..."

That's me starting roughly age 14.

Frequent, recurring bouts continue to present day.

It ranges from quick flashing thought to long drawn out contemplation. A lot of the time it's less focused on committing suicide and more focused on "I don't really want to be alive anymore." The first four years it was largely just that thought while lying in bed at night. Around year six it became more expansive.

It ebbs and flows. In intensity. In frequency.

Occasionally I'll get a break from it for a few weeks.

At it's worst it becomes a near-constant thought process. Quietly spinning in the background while I go about my day and interact, moving loudly into the foreground whenever I'm left to my thoughts.

After a month or two of this I start cracking. So far I always pull out of it. Sometimes it takes some (or a lot) of outside help.

I don't own a gun. This is because I don't say any real need to have one.

And because I don't trust myself.

A couple seconds and a few pounds of pressure and that is a decision that is not unmade.

I got pretty close winter before last. Real close. There'd been a couple other times over the years, but this was worse. One-foot-in-the-grave bad. Coming back from that took about six months. And I'm still not completely back.

I know that this isn't healthy.

It's a mental defect.

There is probably a pill for it.


None of those things really mean anything to me.

I don't know if I really want to die. But I certainly think about it a lot. And it's wearing. Very wearing.

It's not something I talk about a lot. Or at least not directly. Can't say I said anything about it at all for the first 5 years. It's not something people react well to. And it's not something most people will/can understand.

I read this earlier tonight:

Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

This is not how most people approach the concept. It's unfortunate. Just makes it harder for all parties involved.

Now don't get me wrong. None of this should be considered cause for concern. I'm not planning on killing myself any time soon. I just thought I should say something.


The greatest achievement in my life so far is that I'm still here.

There's only a half dozen or so people in this world who know how much of an achievement that is.

Follow-up to that last part.

I'm thinking that in the near(...ish) future, I'll be exporting most of these posts to a separate blog, and turning this one into what it was supposed to be in the first place. I'm not really sure what exactly that was, but not this.

It's the name. The name doesn't fit this.

There's a shadow that keeps following me around.

Too many days of being tired. Body and mind. Enough days that they've have piled up into years.

I get a break from it from time to time. But when it comes back, it feels like it's never left.


Double vision's been kicking in worse than usual. Doesn't matter how much or how little sleep I get it almost always feels the same when I wake up. It's rare I actually feel rested.

Stomach seems to be getting worse, might be actually be time to go see a doctor.

Every time it seems like things are on the upswing it's not long before they swing back down.

A lot of my jokes keep falling flat (or worse). The inflection keeps coming out wrong.


But none of this is new. It's all really, really familiar.




Someday I'll turn this blog into something that's less than a journal, but it won't be today.

Time for another round of "Dear Online Diary". Aren't you excited? I certainly am.

I'm a little different. It might not be noticeable to most people, but it is to me. It affects the way I interact with people, and I tend to get uncomfortable in social settings.

When dealing with people passively (i.e. in transit, or in public places) I keep to myself, and just generally try to be as unobtrusive as possible. Yet at the same time, part of me always wants to be noticed. But not by everyone, mind you. Just those passing few unique individuals, people like me per se (but more outgoing). This is why, for example, when I'm in a bar (the rare occasion which that is) and I don't have someone to directly talk to (that I want to talk to) you'll find me drawing. It really boils down to "if I'm bored, I'm going to entertain myself in the manner I see fit".

When I have to interact with people I don't know, I instinctively do my best to act normal. And tend to overcompensate. This results in me behaving in a way that is more affected than natural. The problem is that I know I'm behaving in a way that isn't natural to me, and I get uncomfortable.

It really boils down to comfort zones for me. When I'm in an environment that I'm comfortable in, I'm myself and, generally speaking, that means I am engaging, funny, caring, and a little bit rude (but mostly for the sake of humor). When I'm in an environment that I'm not comfortable in, I tend to be distant/detached, quiet and/or clumsy. I also tend to be nervous, self-conscious, lack confidence, and am more likely to be insincere.

And apparently I've been frequently known, when not in my comfort zone, to come off as being "too cool" (not my words). When the truth is I'm mostly kind of a dork.

And yes, I do know that it's all in my head. That really doesn't help. Kinda makes it worse, actually.

I don't normally write blogs for specific people (other than the time I took requests, RIP Myspace Blog), but tonight I'm going to make an exception. Luckily the person I have in mind is the one person I know will actually read this, at least within a reasonable stretch of time (and thank you for that, btw).

I've been reminded why longtime close friends go to blows over stupid, petty things. It's because the longer you've known someone, the closer they are to you, the higher your expectations of them (for them) tend to be. And those expectations are high because you know that person is worthy of them.

The downside is that when it comes to fairly arbitrary and/or meaningless things, high expectations tend to get in the way. Because we're still human, we're still living things, and therefore are prone to make mistakes. (Yes, I am insinuating that animals make mistakes too. This is a fact that should be obvious, but which we Cro Magnon-Spawn tend to overlook)

And sometimes brevity is best. Whether or not it's the case in this instance is up for debate.

I guess this was part round-about apology, part rumination, and part crap-I-pulled-out-of-my-ass (which might actually be the same thing as 'rumination').

My what grand dreams I had for this place. Oh well, such is life.

I didn't know where else to write this so it goes here. I had an insight into "the smart kid who doesn't succeed (or at least not yet)". This is admittedly based off personal experience, though I have recognized the behavior in others that I've known. I apologize in advance, but for the sake of ease and time (I have to be up early tomorrow) I'm going to put this is in terms that might feel a bit exclusive. You are free to debate my usage later. I however, will not be joining you.

I want to clear up a misconception. We do not enjoy school any more than you. It is as equally challenging, or as equally, boring as it is for you.

There are those who are driven to success, and those who are not. Intelligence has little to do with this. When a truly intelligent person becomes an astrophysicist, a mathematician, a nuclear chemist, a psychiatrist, a medical researcher, a whatever-you-get-the-point, it's usually a side effect. It's because they've found something that catches their attention, and they've run with it. They will follow it to the ends of the earth if they have to, and devote their life to the pursuit of it.

But if it ever becomes boring, they will lose interest and walk away. It's what we do. Everyday (mundane) life generally lacks interest for us. Let me rephrase: there's precious little in everyday that holds our attention. Most actions can be done without thought. That's not to say that you don't think while you're doing them; you just don't have to think while doing them. And thus is the fatal flaw. We don't stop thinking.

[random transition of narrative perspective]

I have a running train of thought. It is near-constant, stopping only when my full attention is required (which is rare) or when my interest is caught (which is, unfortunately, also rare). This is why I spend most of my free time the way I do: reading books, watching movies or television series, or less often, playing video games. Because I want to be actually interest in something for a change. Because everyday life is almost unbearably tedious and boring.

And so is school.

And some of us don't succeed because we don't find something to catch our interest, something to single-mindedly pursue, before the tedium becomes too much to bear and we walk away.

The dreamer....

I am a dreamer, I always have been. I dream during the day, but not at night.

Lost in thought, I tend to dawdle, and soon I fall behind.

When I realize how far back I've fallen, I panic and I begin to run.

Trying to catch up, I run full tilt. But I am clumsy and prone to disaster.

It is not long before I stumble, and fall to the ground.

But my spirit is strong. Though battered, I am undeterred.

And so I pick myself up, wipe the dust from my clothes, the blood from my knees, and the tears from my eyes.

And I begin to run again.