Time for another round of "Dear Online Diary". Aren't you excited? I certainly am.
I'm a little different. It might not be noticeable to most people, but it is to me. It affects the way I interact with people, and I tend to get uncomfortable in social settings.
When dealing with people passively (i.e. in transit, or in public places) I keep to myself, and just generally try to be as unobtrusive as possible. Yet at the same time, part of me always wants to be noticed. But not by everyone, mind you. Just those passing few unique individuals, people like me per se (but more outgoing). This is why, for example, when I'm in a bar (the rare occasion which that is) and I don't have someone to directly talk to (that I want to talk to) you'll find me drawing. It really boils down to "if I'm bored, I'm going to entertain myself in the manner I see fit".
When I have to interact with people I don't know, I instinctively do my best to act normal. And tend to overcompensate. This results in me behaving in a way that is more affected than natural. The problem is that I know I'm behaving in a way that isn't natural to me, and I get uncomfortable.
It really boils down to comfort zones for me. When I'm in an environment that I'm comfortable in, I'm myself and, generally speaking, that means I am engaging, funny, caring, and a little bit rude (but mostly for the sake of humor). When I'm in an environment that I'm not comfortable in, I tend to be distant/detached, quiet and/or clumsy. I also tend to be nervous, self-conscious, lack confidence, and am more likely to be insincere.
And apparently I've been frequently known, when not in my comfort zone, to come off as being "too cool" (not my words). When the truth is I'm mostly kind of a dork.
And yes, I do know that it's all in my head. That really doesn't help. Kinda makes it worse, actually.
2 comments:
You also tend to come off like you are completely blowing off the totally hot girl who just wants to sit on your desk and flirt with you and take you to prom. JUST SAYING.
I think that I am better with new people. I make a good first impression and I'm great with people I know really well. The in between is really hard for me. I am really obsessive about how I come across. And, obviously, I can come off as really pushy, as well as mean and abrasive.
Honestly, I wish I could just be OPEN but being vulnerable makes me very anxious.
Have I mentioned that if I receive too much direct attention that I tend to retreat from it? I've never really liked being singled out, regardless of it being positive or negative.
My feelings are similar about being open. Feeling vulnerable is definitely a factor.
It would be nice to find someone that I can be/feel completely open with. Doesn't even have to be someone I'm involved with. But there always seem to be things that people don't want to hear, or don't want to listen to.
I mean this in a difference sense than filling someone in on all the minutiae of one's every day life.
I also tend to avoid telling people things that I think will hurt them, which is something that I need to work on. I've gotten to the point in my life where I no longer have any desire to be or feel dishonest.
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