I'm not very good at emotional processing.  I tend to get caught up in waves of emotion that are bigger than my understanding, and I don't really know how to deal with them.  And after they ebb I'm never sure if my response was the correct one.  Frequently I know it wasn't.

I just keep finding myself in these moments of complete distress.  Teetering on what feels like the brink of ruin, in above my head and unsure how I'll make it thru. Unsure how I am making it thru.

Because despite the panic, in the end I make it through.

Right now it's mostly happening at work.  I've built up unhealthy levels of anxiety around my job.  And I'm having difficulty judging how much of it is valid, and how much of it is just in my head.  How much of it is just some kind of persecution complex.  Either way, I'm doing a piss-poor job of coping with it.

I keep getting this feeling that I'm just being entirely too melodramatic.  I get worked up, and then later, sometime after the fact, I detach myself from it.  And in the end, quite generally unsure of whether I was right.  Whether or not there was a "right" at all.

I've realized the I have no ability to gauge it.  No standard for comparison.  So when looking back, no longer feeling the emotion or the panic of the moment, I'm left to assume that my reaction is excessive.  That it was unnecessary.

And I'm rambling.  I started writing this because I'm coming to terms with the fact that my grandmother is dying.  I've know it for awhile, but today I was reminded of it in terms that leave no room for leeway.  And then I went to work.  It was not a pleasant shift.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, or what I'm trying to say.  So I guess that's a good enough reason to stop.