There are a lot of times where I feel like a failure. I've discussed this before.
I'm afraid that people that know me, especially people that knew me growing up, look at me and think to themselves, "What a waste of potential. That boy could've been anything he'd wanted to be, and he threw it all away. It's such a shame."
The sad, awful truth is that this is me doing my best. I am performing at the absolute best of my ability.
Maybe I could've been a scientist. Maybe I could've been a pyrotechnic like I wanted when I was in high school. Maybe I could've been a lot of things.
But I'm not.
I'm a 26-year-old man who is giving it his all. I work hard. I work as hard as I can. Because it's the closest thing I have to a plan. "Find job, work as hard as I can."
And that's what I do. Eventually I burn myself out, and ultimately end up quitting. And then it's back to "Find job, work as hard as I can."
It could be said that I lack motivation. And it's quite possibly true. I've even been known to agree with the statement. It's true that I don't really have much in the ways of goals or dreams in life. I can only answer the question "What do I want to do with my life?" in very broad and somewhat abstract terms.
Sure there are ideas that pop in and out of my head, but nothing that sticks around for long. And it's mostly because, for all intensive purposes, the future doesn't exist for me. 'Next year' is a foreign concept to me. There is 'today', 'tomorrow', 'next week', and to some extent 'next month'. And then there is 'sometime down the road.'
I don't think very far ahead, because I have to get there first.
Sigh, I'm talking in circles. I apologize. I'll attempt to be more direct.
As it stands I have one goal in life: to be happy and sane.
Doesn't even have to be happy really. Contentment would be good enough.
Because at the moment I can only feel either when my brain lets me.
It's like every day I wake up and my brain spins a wheel. The wheel is divided into spaces that are essentially moods. Depressed, happy, angry, stressed, etc. And wherever it lands determines how I'm going to be that day. It's safe to say it lands on 'depressed' a lot more often than it lands on 'happy'.
But it gets better than that. Because each mood also an additional space of "with anxiety".
The name of this game is "How Functional Is Davey Going to Be Today?"
And it takes all I've got to keep playing the game day after day.
There's this recurring theory that my life will be fixed by proper diet, exercise, and a more normal schedule/sleep cycle.
I can tell you that it won't. Maybe sometime I'll find the words to properly explain why. Until then this'll have to do.
My brain determines my mood. My mood determines my state of mind. It determines how I go about my day, and how I perceive my life.
The more I've come to recognize this, the more aware of the affect it has on my thoughts, the more capable I become of detaching myself from it. I'm getting better at checking it when it happens, or at least riding it out, but I don't know how to stop it.
I don't know how to bring balance to my mind, and by doing so bring balance to my life.
Behavioral changes don't seem to do it. Self-improvement routines don't stick. Sooner or later they all to the wayside, ground underfoot by the Great and Powerful Mood.
Maybe some, or a lot, of what I've described over the last few hundred words seems normal to you. Maybe it is.
All I know is that I'm NOT normal, despite what you may or may not think. And this isn't a matter of "What is normal?". There are several reasons why I could argue that I'm not, but there's one more so than any other.
Normal people don't think about suicide for 3-5 months of the year (sometime more), every year, for over a decade. I know it's not normal because of the way you react when I tell you about it. The looks on your faces. The things you say.
Even mentioning that you sometimes feel suicidal makes people uncomfortable.
At this point it's just something I've had to accept as part of life. There's a lot of things I don't like going thru that I've had to accept as just being part of life. I don't mean work and taxes and corrupt politicians and starving children and disease. I mean things like depression, anxiety, mood swings, weight loss, insomnia, chronic muscle tension, mania and so forth.
I know they don't have to be. Hopefully someday they won't be. But in the present, they ARE.
And I must continue to endure.
5 comments:
Unfortunately to what you believe, you are perfectly normal. There is a vast abundance of people with the same thoughts and depression. There are people who are trained to help with these matters and can fix the chemical imbalances that plauge you. It's the same as getting a cast when you break your bones, or getting allergy medication when you have hay fever. It's not curable, but it's very treatable and manageable. From personal experience
I have struggled with depression and anxiety since high school. Back then I tried meds and it didn't seem to do much so quit them. After that I thought I could do it without drugs if I tried hard enough, but I never did. Last fall I got on meds again and it has been AWESOME. It really curbs my anxiety so I can rationally deal with situations. Its not perfect but I found it is worth it for now. I hope to eventually be able to think that way without drugs.
Davey, believe it or not, people you'd never expect deal with these issues daily. I think its a big part of where self medication with alcohol or other drugs is such a huge problem all over the world, crazy theory? Maybe, but probably not. The fact you have realized the problems and try different solutions speaks to your determination to overcome. It seems to me that the worst thing to do is conclude you are abnormal and therefore incurable.
In the words of the HK locals, add oil (and work through it).
Peace, Ackley
As a follow up to these comments, I didn't mention this in the post, but I am currently in the process of seeking professional help, with the ultimate goal of getting on medication. I'm just having some difficulties finding a therapist I can actually afford, and feasibly travel to via public transportation.
I have medical insurance, but as I just found out recently, it doesn't cover mental health care.
I'm also quite aware that I'm not the only one who deals with these types of issues. Not by a long shot. I guess really I was just trying to express frustration with the most people's reaction of "Oh, your fine, you just need to take better care of yourself."
And part of it is that along with being manic depressive, I am of significantly above average intelligence, as well as being a rarer personality type.
I know that we are all unique, but even still I am not like most people. I've known this since I was in elementary school. And if most people are not like most people, then I am even less like most people than most people.
This isn't me trying to claim that I'm special, this is merely an observation. One that is consistently reaffirmed as I grow older.
All this said, thank you for reading my post, and thank you for your advice, reassurance and support.
Seeing as I have known you since you were born....
I don't think you're not living up to your potential. We all can be anything we want to be, but many of us don't know what we want to be. It took me going back to school for my second degree to really figure out what I want to do with my life. I've got 5 years on you, & sure I got a college degree, but it took this long to finally figure out what I want to do with my life. And if it makes you feel any better, your brother-in-law has finally figured out what he wants to do with his life, & he just turned 30. He wants to be a death investigator.....which means that by the time he achieves his dream, he'll probably be closer to 50 than 40. So, to quote the AARP commercials that play a lot out here, you are never too old to figure out what you want to do with your life, which means you are never too old to achieve your potential. Just keep doing what you are doing, live on a daily basis.
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