Time for another round of "Dear Online Diary". Aren't you excited? I certainly am.

I'm a little different. It might not be noticeable to most people, but it is to me. It affects the way I interact with people, and I tend to get uncomfortable in social settings.

When dealing with people passively (i.e. in transit, or in public places) I keep to myself, and just generally try to be as unobtrusive as possible. Yet at the same time, part of me always wants to be noticed. But not by everyone, mind you. Just those passing few unique individuals, people like me per se (but more outgoing). This is why, for example, when I'm in a bar (the rare occasion which that is) and I don't have someone to directly talk to (that I want to talk to) you'll find me drawing. It really boils down to "if I'm bored, I'm going to entertain myself in the manner I see fit".

When I have to interact with people I don't know, I instinctively do my best to act normal. And tend to overcompensate. This results in me behaving in a way that is more affected than natural. The problem is that I know I'm behaving in a way that isn't natural to me, and I get uncomfortable.

It really boils down to comfort zones for me. When I'm in an environment that I'm comfortable in, I'm myself and, generally speaking, that means I am engaging, funny, caring, and a little bit rude (but mostly for the sake of humor). When I'm in an environment that I'm not comfortable in, I tend to be distant/detached, quiet and/or clumsy. I also tend to be nervous, self-conscious, lack confidence, and am more likely to be insincere.

And apparently I've been frequently known, when not in my comfort zone, to come off as being "too cool" (not my words). When the truth is I'm mostly kind of a dork.

And yes, I do know that it's all in my head. That really doesn't help. Kinda makes it worse, actually.

I don't normally write blogs for specific people (other than the time I took requests, RIP Myspace Blog), but tonight I'm going to make an exception. Luckily the person I have in mind is the one person I know will actually read this, at least within a reasonable stretch of time (and thank you for that, btw).

I've been reminded why longtime close friends go to blows over stupid, petty things. It's because the longer you've known someone, the closer they are to you, the higher your expectations of them (for them) tend to be. And those expectations are high because you know that person is worthy of them.

The downside is that when it comes to fairly arbitrary and/or meaningless things, high expectations tend to get in the way. Because we're still human, we're still living things, and therefore are prone to make mistakes. (Yes, I am insinuating that animals make mistakes too. This is a fact that should be obvious, but which we Cro Magnon-Spawn tend to overlook)

And sometimes brevity is best. Whether or not it's the case in this instance is up for debate.

I guess this was part round-about apology, part rumination, and part crap-I-pulled-out-of-my-ass (which might actually be the same thing as 'rumination').