I'm not very good at emotional processing.  I tend to get caught up in waves of emotion that are bigger than my understanding, and I don't really know how to deal with them.  And after they ebb I'm never sure if my response was the correct one.  Frequently I know it wasn't.

I just keep finding myself in these moments of complete distress.  Teetering on what feels like the brink of ruin, in above my head and unsure how I'll make it thru. Unsure how I am making it thru.

Because despite the panic, in the end I make it through.

Right now it's mostly happening at work.  I've built up unhealthy levels of anxiety around my job.  And I'm having difficulty judging how much of it is valid, and how much of it is just in my head.  How much of it is just some kind of persecution complex.  Either way, I'm doing a piss-poor job of coping with it.

I keep getting this feeling that I'm just being entirely too melodramatic.  I get worked up, and then later, sometime after the fact, I detach myself from it.  And in the end, quite generally unsure of whether I was right.  Whether or not there was a "right" at all.

I've realized the I have no ability to gauge it.  No standard for comparison.  So when looking back, no longer feeling the emotion or the panic of the moment, I'm left to assume that my reaction is excessive.  That it was unnecessary.

And I'm rambling.  I started writing this because I'm coming to terms with the fact that my grandmother is dying.  I've know it for awhile, but today I was reminded of it in terms that leave no room for leeway.  And then I went to work.  It was not a pleasant shift.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, or what I'm trying to say.  So I guess that's a good enough reason to stop.

People are always trying to find the meaning of life.

It's actually quite simple: Learn to coexist.

After that everything else'll make sense.

I'm tired.

And I don't like this world.

I used to think it was just a matter of changing the world. Finding a new way, a better way, for people to live. These days, I'm not so sure. I'm losing faith.

Too much carelessness. Too much recklessness. Too much dumb.

Too little compassion, concern for the well-being of others.

Our behavior on the micro-scale isn't necessarily so bad, but on the macro-scale, it's terrible.

We seem to be on the brink of something. Political revolutions right and left in Africa and the Middle East. Oppressive regimes being toppled by the will of the people.

But not here. Or at least not yet.

So many people seem ready for change. Social and political change on a global level.

The U.S. is headed towards collapse. I'm not saying it's imminent, and nor that it's irreversible. I'm just saying it's the direction we're pointing. The foundations are crumbling, and the people up top keep digging away at them in the pursuit of their own interests, all the while arguing over whose fault it is, as opposed to making any real, sincere, effort to fix things (probably because they honestly have no idea).

They got us into this mess, and now they're not sure how to get us back out.

But they're not completely to blame. A lot of it falls on us too. It's not like we live under a military dictatorship that has been in power before we were born and will not hesitate to kill us if we ever even so slightly step out of line.

Nope, we gave them the keys to drive (or at least picked which ones got to drive after they already had the keys) and we've been along for the whole ride.

But I digress.

I just feel like no matter what we do it won't be enough. So much of everything that defines modern human civilization needs to change. How we interact with the ecosphere, how we interact with the environment (yes, these are different concepts; no, I don't want to take time to explain), and how we interact with each other, both as individuals and as groups.

And most people don't seem to see it. Or they just see a little bit of it.

Or maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I've blown everything way out of proportion.

Doesn't really matter. Whether I'm right or wrong doesn't really change things for me.

I'm tired either way.

And as the years go by, I have a harder time finding a reason to stick around.