So I'm probably more than a bit delirious at the moment. What's your point?

Yes, I think it's time to start being smart again.

I've tried this 'fitting in' thing I was so intent on for closing in on a decade now. I don't like it. It's unfulfilling and boring.

And a waste of a fantastic brain.

It's 9:30 in the morning, I haven't slept yet, I'm already one mug of coffee into my day, and I'm blasting electro thru my headphones.

And even if I could, I wouldn't want to be anybody else in the entire world.

"And now for something completely different..."

We're gonna try something a little different tonight. We're going to attempt a mental exercise.

Let's start with a table. It's customary to use a table as an example for this exercise. Tables are an exceptionally convenient visual aide and, with the exception of being in a car, it is more likely than not that wherever you are there is a table nearby. And unless it's from IKEA, tables are generally thought of as objects that are very sturdy. Also very dense. They are made of wood, or metal. They can support impressive amounts of weight. You can sit on them, stand on them, sleep on them, or more commonly, you can eat dinner on them. A good table is also generally rather heavy.

We can all agree that a table is a very solid object.

So consider your table. We all know that all matter is made of atoms. And atoms are electrons spinning around a nucleus. Whether it is made of wood, metal, stone, plastic, glass or even bones, the table is comprised entirely of atoms.

We also know that atoms are 99% empty space (quantum mechanics aside). More properly stated, atoms are 1% mass 99% electron field. But the beauty of that is all it really means is atoms are 99% empty space that could at any given point in time potentially have an electron in it.

So therefore the table is 99% empty space. Which means that, by definition, the table is less there than it is. Only 1% of that table is actually mass. Only 1% of all matter is actually mass. The rest of it is gravity.

Remember, gravity is not just what makes apples fall out of trees, and the earth spin around the sun. Gravity is not just limited to the realm of planets and stars (and obviously black holes), gravity is what holds everything together.

Now touch an object close to you. Preferably something hard. Like your computer tower (if you have one) or a wall. Or, ya know, a table.

You are touching 99% empty space.

Now push against it. You meet resistance. What'3s resisting is you is 99% empty space.

What you are touching is nothing but an illusion created by gravity and electromagnetic force.

The empty space around you is filled with particles. And the objects around you are filled with empty space.

If you've ever taken a science class you should know all of this. Unless it was pre-1950.

I'm not telling you anything new. I'm just reminding you of what you already know.

Thank you for thinking with me. Good night.

Periodically I try to explain myself with words. This is one of those times.

There are a lot of times where I feel like a failure. I've discussed this before.

I'm afraid that people that know me, especially people that knew me growing up, look at me and think to themselves, "What a waste of potential. That boy could've been anything he'd wanted to be, and he threw it all away. It's such a shame."

The sad, awful truth is that this is me doing my best. I am performing at the absolute best of my ability.

Maybe I could've been a scientist. Maybe I could've been a pyrotechnic like I wanted when I was in high school. Maybe I could've been a lot of things.

But I'm not.

I'm a 26-year-old man who is giving it his all. I work hard. I work as hard as I can. Because it's the closest thing I have to a plan. "Find job, work as hard as I can."

And that's what I do. Eventually I burn myself out, and ultimately end up quitting. And then it's back to "Find job, work as hard as I can."

It could be said that I lack motivation. And it's quite possibly true. I've even been known to agree with the statement. It's true that I don't really have much in the ways of goals or dreams in life. I can only answer the question "What do I want to do with my life?" in very broad and somewhat abstract terms.

Sure there are ideas that pop in and out of my head, but nothing that sticks around for long. And it's mostly because, for all intensive purposes, the future doesn't exist for me. 'Next year' is a foreign concept to me. There is 'today', 'tomorrow', 'next week', and to some extent 'next month'. And then there is 'sometime down the road.'

I don't think very far ahead, because I have to get there first.

Sigh, I'm talking in circles. I apologize. I'll attempt to be more direct.

As it stands I have one goal in life: to be happy and sane.

Doesn't even have to be happy really. Contentment would be good enough.

Because at the moment I can only feel either when my brain lets me.

It's like every day I wake up and my brain spins a wheel. The wheel is divided into spaces that are essentially moods. Depressed, happy, angry, stressed, etc. And wherever it lands determines how I'm going to be that day. It's safe to say it lands on 'depressed' a lot more often than it lands on 'happy'.

But it gets better than that. Because each mood also an additional space of "with anxiety".

The name of this game is "How Functional Is Davey Going to Be Today?"

And it takes all I've got to keep playing the game day after day.

There's this recurring theory that my life will be fixed by proper diet, exercise, and a more normal schedule/sleep cycle.

I can tell you that it won't. Maybe sometime I'll find the words to properly explain why. Until then this'll have to do.

My brain determines my mood. My mood determines my state of mind. It determines how I go about my day, and how I perceive my life.

The more I've come to recognize this, the more aware of the affect it has on my thoughts, the more capable I become of detaching myself from it. I'm getting better at checking it when it happens, or at least riding it out, but I don't know how to stop it.

I don't know how to bring balance to my mind, and by doing so bring balance to my life.

Behavioral changes don't seem to do it. Self-improvement routines don't stick. Sooner or later they all to the wayside, ground underfoot by the Great and Powerful Mood.

Maybe some, or a lot, of what I've described over the last few hundred words seems normal to you. Maybe it is.

All I know is that I'm NOT normal, despite what you may or may not think. And this isn't a matter of "What is normal?". There are several reasons why I could argue that I'm not, but there's one more so than any other.

Normal people don't think about suicide for 3-5 months of the year (sometime more), every year, for over a decade. I know it's not normal because of the way you react when I tell you about it. The looks on your faces. The things you say.

Even mentioning that you sometimes feel suicidal makes people uncomfortable.

At this point it's just something I've had to accept as part of life. There's a lot of things I don't like going thru that I've had to accept as just being part of life. I don't mean work and taxes and corrupt politicians and starving children and disease. I mean things like depression, anxiety, mood swings, weight loss, insomnia, chronic muscle tension, mania and so forth.

I know they don't have to be. Hopefully someday they won't be. But in the present, they ARE.

And I must continue to endure.

Please do not assume that you know my life better than I do. That's all I ask. And in return I will try my best never to assume that I know yours better than you.